With the glut of gas-guzzling SUVs on America's roads and the anti-environment polices bought by industry from "president" Bush, global warming would now seem inevitable. One of the most noticable effects of global warming will be rising sea levels. Not being a very good swimmer has spurred me into thinking about what to do when the sea level rises. I have collated my thoughts into a helpful list of preparations that everybody living within 140m of the current sea level should consider. Don't leave your preparations to the last moment.

1. Find things that float -- Things around my house which float include footballs, polystyrene packing material, unopened bags of noodles, space hoppers, tractor wheel inner tubes and used diapers in sandwich bags.
2. Water-proof your mobile phone -- The communication satellites should be safe, at their altitude, for quite a few years. Make sure that at least one friend also water-proofs their phone. Otherwise, you'll have to call chat lines all of the time, and that will still be sad after global warming has occurred.
3. Buy a wetsuit -- Hey, surf'sup, dude.
4. Buy lots of KY-jelly -- It makes a good sealant, urm... apparently. It does, erm, a friend told me. He did, a friend said.
5. Take swimming lessons -- but not too many. That would be a waste of time because all of the swimming pools will be flooded.
6. Get permits for Mount Whitney early -- Mount Whitney is the highest peak in continental USA. People will not lose their interest in hiking, so it is forseeable that they will all try to hike Mount Whitney when its height has been reduced from the current 14 427ft above sea level to a more manageable 4 000ft above sea level. There is already a quota system in place in the national wilderness.
7. Float -- Need I say more?